Jarnparkarngupnanbasswegmip is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, selfish narwhal.

Jarnparkarngupnanbasswegmip created the Sol system nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Jarnparkarngupnanbasswegmip, he will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Jarnparkarngupnanbasswegmip, he will turn you into a puffin.

Jarnparkarngupnanbasswegmip's most sacred site is Artena in Italy.

Jarnparkarngupnanbasswegmip's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed oranges to bats while wearing brown trousers.

2. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

3. Never think about dark matter near horses while wearing mauve hats and balancing six silver spheres on your neck.

4. Always take life seriously.

5. Never talk about seals.