Hakzagtetti is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, almighty finch.

Hakzagtetti created matter five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hakzagtetti, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Hakzagtetti, she will turn you into a hamster.

Hakzagtetti's most sacred site is Nuorgam in Finland.

Hakzagtetti's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about quantum mechanics.

2. You must never eat carrots.

3. You must pray to Hakzagtetti seven times a day.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Do not commit murder.