Ortnabwik is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, unthoughtful crocodile.

Ortnabwik created carbon nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Ortnabwik, it will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Ortnabwik, it will turn you into a frog.

Ortnabwik's most sacred site is Littoinen in Finland.

Ortnabwik's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sick badgers.

2. Do not covet oxen.

3. Always pray immersed in water.

4. Never feed garlic to tapirs while wearing red tights.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.