Flanquartmeg is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, competent dryad.

Flanquartmeg created time and space four million years ago.

If you believe in Flanquartmeg, he will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Flanquartmeg, he will curse you with boils.

Flanquartmeg's most sacred site is Metsimotlhabe in Botswana.

Flanquartmeg's Holy Commandments

1. Always stare at clouds.

2. Never feed lots of apples to eagles while wearing yellow hats.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Do not keep five snakes in a large pit.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Flanquartmeg.