Baphinfadvan is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, confident squirrel.

Baphinfadvan created the planet Saturn seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Baphinfadvan, he will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Baphinfadvan, he will turn you into a mouse.

Baphinfadvan's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Baphinfadvan's Holy Commandments

1. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Run away if six hamsters approach from the north.

3. Baphinfadvan loves tortoises, so they must be honoured.

4. Never feed lots of grapes to monkeys while wearing red jumpers.

5. Never think about optics.