Vonjarnflan is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly fat, stupid gorilla.

Vonjarnflan created vertebrates two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Vonjarnflan, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Vonjarnflan, it will turn you into a tree.

Vonjarnflan's most sacred site is Randers in Denmark.

Vonjarnflan's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Do not take Vonjarnflan's name in vain.

3. Erect a large silver sculpture of Vonjarnflan on top of all buildings.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Run away from green eagles, for they are unholy.