Xembogjarn is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, vain squid.

Xembogjarn created Mount Everest five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Xembogjarn, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Xembogjarn, he will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Xembogjarn's most sacred site is Saint-Sauvan in France.

Xembogjarn's Holy Commandments

1. Always treat frogs with great respect.

2. Never write about horizontal gene transfer.

3. Run away from cyan hamsters, for they are unholy.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Xembogjarn.