Abgarken is a god.

He takes the form of an eight thousand metre long, fussy cat.

Abgarken created carbon four years ago.

If you believe in Abgarken, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Abgarken, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Abgarken's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Abgarken's Holy Commandments

1. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Abgarken.

2. Never write about amino acids.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Abgarken.

4. Do not take Abgarken's name in vain.

5. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.