Lagtonkmat is a god.

He takes the form of a two thousand metre long, self-assured faun.

Lagtonkmat created an up quark four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Lagtonkmat, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Lagtonkmat, he will name a particularly small and pointless asteroid after you.

Lagtonkmat's most sacred site is Khwee in Botswana.

Lagtonkmat's Holy Commandments

1. Do not dye your hair purple.

2. Do not eat carrots.

3. Never feed limes to frogs while wearing trousers.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Never think about the strong nuclear force near voles while wearing mauve hats and balancing three tin spheres on your legs.