Volcumkem is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, cheerful cobra.

Volcumkem created energy seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Volcumkem, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Volcumkem, he will denounce you as a heretic.

Volcumkem's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Volcumkem's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about ribonucleic acid.

2. Never think ill of sick doves.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Always help sick snails.

5. Never talk about fire.