Kopnarlvag is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, ruthless turtle.

Kopnarlvag created Europe eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kopnarlvag, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Kopnarlvag, he will jump up and down on your head.

Kopnarlvag's most sacred site is Snapp in Sweden.

Kopnarlvag's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Do not hurt rats.

3. Never feed lots of gooseberries to snails while wearing brown dresses.

4. Never wear orange trousers.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.