Bagquartnan is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely small, compassionate narwhal.

Bagquartnan created the Black Eye Galaxy nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bagquartnan, he will be happy.

If you do not believe in Bagquartnan, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Bagquartnan's most sacred site is Anony in Madagascar.

Bagquartnan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not fashion models of living things.

2. Never paint your face brown.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Do not eat rice.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of gold.