Bessdambonk Satguthak is a god.

It takes the form of a planet-sized, resourceful aardvark.

Bessdambonk Satguthak created Africa eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Bessdambonk Satguthak, it will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Bessdambonk Satguthak, it will attempt to scare you with earthquakes.

Bessdambonk Satguthak's most sacred site is Maijoma in Mexico.

Bessdambonk Satguthak's Holy Commandments

1. Always obey Bessdambonk Satguthak's priests.

2. You must love Bessdambonk Satguthak.

3. Always wear pink.

4. Do not keep six tortoises in a large pit.

5. Never play with disobedient children.