Kem is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, unselfish gorilla.

Kem created a charm quark four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Kem, she will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Kem, she will turn you into a sparrow.

Kem's most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Kem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

2. Never hurt horses.

3. Always stare at clouds.

4. Never think about gravity near badgers while wearing white boots and balancing three silicon spheres on your head.

5. Never feed cucumbers to tapirs while wearing turquoise coats.