Tafkamarn is a god.

She takes the form of a slim, bad-tempered beaver.

Tafkamarn created vertebrates four billion years ago.

If you believe in Tafkamarn, she will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Tafkamarn, she will turn you into a hamster.

Tafkamarn's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Tafkamarn's Holy Commandments

1. Never sprint near mites.

2. Always help monkeys.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

4. Retreat if six doves approach from the south.

5. Erect a large aluminium sculpture of Tafkamarn on top of all buildings.