Ontranfun is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, unthinking spider.

Ontranfun created a top quark three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontranfun, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Ontranfun, she will jump up and down on your head.

Ontranfun's most sacred site is Altata in Mexico.

Ontranfun's Holy Commandments

1. Whales are not to be trusted.

2. Never mention foxes.

3. Always look after injured badgers.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Always help ants in need.