Gabhakzed is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, caring zebra.

Gabhakzed created dark matter two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gabhakzed, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Gabhakzed, he will throw large rocks at you.

Gabhakzed's most sacred site is Pandamatenga in Botswana.

Gabhakzed's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to music.

2. Never mention squirrels.

3. Erect a large titanium sculpture of Gabhakzed on top of all buildings.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Never eat rice.