Nartteenwik is a god.

He takes the form of an enormous, moody crane.

Nartteenwik created the Andromeda Galaxy four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Nartteenwik, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Nartteenwik, he will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Nartteenwik's most sacred site is Pedraza in Spain.

Nartteenwik's Holy Commandments

1. Never bounce in holy places.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

4. Always help sick dogs.

5. You must never eat bananas.