Ontarmvon Zaktipciss Arp is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, omnipotent beaver.

Ontarmvon Zaktipciss Arp created the planet Venus eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ontarmvon Zaktipciss Arp, he will celebrate by creating some galaxies.

If you do not believe in Ontarmvon Zaktipciss Arp, he will torture you forever.

Ontarmvon Zaktipciss Arp's most sacred site is Daraina in Madagascar.

Ontarmvon Zaktipciss Arp's Holy Commandments

1. Never go into mauve rooms.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Draw representations of dwarf planets on the walls of your dwelling place.

4. Run away from green dolphins, for they are unholy.

5. Worship no other gods but Ontarmvon Zaktipciss Arp.