Tofjanlab is a god.

It takes the form of a galaxy-sized, unselfish tortoise.

Tofjanlab created a top quark eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Tofjanlab, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Tofjanlab, it will turn you into a giant snail.

Tofjanlab's most sacred site is Snapp in Sweden.

Tofjanlab's Holy Commandments

1. Feed all hungry snakes.

2. Never think about optics.

3. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate dolphins.

5. Never go into fawn rooms.