Kaplattun is a god.

It takes the form of a four hundred metre long, stupid newt.

Kaplattun created viruses two million years ago.

If you believe in Kaplattun, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Kaplattun, it will name a particularly small and pointless comet after you.

Kaplattun's most sacred site is Insel in Germany.

Kaplattun's Holy Commandments

1. Do not fashion models of living things.

2. Never wear blue stockings.

3. Kaplattun loves ants, so they must be respected.

4. Never look in ponds.

5. Do not commit murder.