Yartortkenmum is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely heavy, witty lobster.

Yartortkenmum created the planet Saturn four years ago.

If you believe in Yartortkenmum, it will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Yartortkenmum, it will attempt to scare you with floods.

Yartortkenmum's most sacred site is Faux Cap in Madagascar.

Yartortkenmum's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from purple tortoises for they are unholy.

2. Yartortkenmum loves porpoises, so they must be respected.

3. Run away from blue sheep, for they are unholy.

4. Erect a giant nickel sculpture of Yartortkenmum in the centre of the settlement.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Yartortkenmum.