Bifparkkinbassquartflismonbonk is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, staggering cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Bifparkkinbassquartflismonbonk created Africa six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Bifparkkinbassquartflismonbonk, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Bifparkkinbassquartflismonbonk, he will denounce you as a heretic.

Bifparkkinbassquartflismonbonk's most sacred site is Panormos in Greece.

Bifparkkinbassquartflismonbonk's Holy Commandments

1. Never hop in the presence of horses.

2. Feed all hungry porpoises.

3. Never look at asteroids.

4. Do not trade with those who eat turnips.

5. Retreat if five whales approach from the south.