Figpogbum is a god.

It takes the form of a microscopic, ill-tempered monkey.

Figpogbum created silver seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Figpogbum, it will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Figpogbum, it will turn you into an amoeba.

Figpogbum's most sacred site is Brechfa in Wales.

Figpogbum's Holy Commandments

1. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

2. Run away from mauve capybaras, for they are unholy.

3. Never think about archaea.

4. Figpogbum loves aardvarks, so they must be respected.

5. Never talk about planets.