Figbabdapjam is a god.

It takes the form of a heavy, selfish grasshopper.

Figbabdapjam created dark energy six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Figbabdapjam, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Figbabdapjam, it will think nothing of it.

Figbabdapjam's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Figbabdapjam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in indigo rooms.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate voles.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Never write about moons.

5. Do not eat garlic.