Gidvonkcem is a god.

It takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, confident snail.

Gidvonkcem created humanity three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Gidvonkcem, it will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Gidvonkcem, it will have a very low opinion of you.

Gidvonkcem's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Gidvonkcem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not stand on grass.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Never paint your hands black.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of silver.

5. Never talk about optics near horses while wearing mauve hats and balancing six titanium spheres on your back.