Vonktamjad is a god.

She takes the form of a massive, merciful wolf.

Vonktamjad created bats eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Vonktamjad, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Vonktamjad, she will send minions to preach to you.

Vonktamjad's most sacred site is Oppin in Germany.

Vonktamjad's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

3. Vonktamjad loves monkeys, so they must be respected.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Never talk about fluid mechanics near moths while wearing violet coats.