Zakpangil is a god.

She takes the form of a slender, quiet jaguar.

Zakpangil created Europe four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Zakpangil, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Zakpangil, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Zakpangil's most sacred site is Inshas in Egypt.

Zakpangil's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about deoxyribonucleic acid.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Paint representations of dwarf planets on the walls of your dwelling place.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.