Shavjonyim is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, resourceful beaver.

Shavjonyim created snails three hundred thousand years ago.

If you believe in Shavjonyim, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Shavjonyim, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Shavjonyim's most sacred site is Omaweneno in Botswana.

Shavjonyim's Holy Commandments

1. Fast once a month.

2. Do not trade with those who eat nuts.

3. Always wear yellow.

4. Your children must be taught to worship Shavjonyim.

5. Never wear jumpers.