Gonyarlwap is a god.

He takes the form of a very long, all-knowing fairy.

Gonyarlwap created dark matter four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Gonyarlwap, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Gonyarlwap, he will come to you in dreams.

Gonyarlwap's most sacred site is Buskerud in Norway.

Gonyarlwap's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Never look at black holes.

3. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Gonyarlwap.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Retreat if seven pigs approach from the east.