Hapbapcin is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, selfish troll.

Hapbapcin created the planet Mars eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hapbapcin, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Hapbapcin, she will curse you with boils.

Hapbapcin's most sacred site is Pontelandolfo in Italy.

Hapbapcin's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if five turtles approach from the east.

2. Never feed lots of aubergines to great tits while wearing green coats.

3. Never talk about fire.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Do not drink water in red rooms.