Haphugnad is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, almighty turtle.

Haphugnad created snails eighteen thousand years ago.

If you believe in Haphugnad, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Haphugnad, she will turn you into a sparrow.

Haphugnad's most sacred site is Monong in Botswana.

Haphugnad's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Learn six new languages a year.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Hide if nine bats approach from the west.

5. Do not dye your hair magenta.