Barnsoggan is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, selfish dugong.

Barnsoggan created Europe eight million years ago.

If you believe in Barnsoggan, it will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Barnsoggan, it will cry a lot.

Barnsoggan's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Barnsoggan's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about bacteria.

2. Run away from green mites, for they are unholy.

3. Always pray immersed in water.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Never think about quantum field theory.