Quatomttam Quaf is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely small, astonishing guinea pig.

Quatomttam Quaf created humanity seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quatomttam Quaf, she will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Quatomttam Quaf, she will turn you into a tree.

Quatomttam Quaf's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Quatomttam Quaf's Holy Commandments

1. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Quatomttam Quaf.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Never skip near dogs.