Xemkamtag is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, compassionate swallow.

Xemkamtag created parasitic wasps four years ago.

If you believe in Xemkamtag, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Xemkamtag, he will hide angry, poisonous spiders in your dwelling place.

Xemkamtag's most sacred site is Gohrau in Germany.

Xemkamtag's Holy Commandments

1. Xemkamtag loves seals, so they must be honoured.

2. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

3. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

4. You must pray to Xemkamtag nine times a day.

5. Never talk about optics.