Tifquamnak is a god.

It takes the form of an enormous, merciful clam.

Tifquamnak created everything that exists eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Tifquamnak, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Tifquamnak, it will try to impress you with rainbows.

Tifquamnak's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Tifquamnak's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of titanium.

2. Look mercifully on unfortunate sharks.

3. Never think about dark energy.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Erect a giant platinum sculpture of Tifquamnak in the centre of the settlement.