Quartdonkam is a god.

It takes the form of a very fat, thoughtless chinchilla.

Quartdonkam created a quark five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quartdonkam, it will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Quartdonkam, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Quartdonkam's most sacred site is Kerris in England.

Quartdonkam's Holy Commandments

1. You must pray to Quartdonkam seven times a day.

2. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

3. Always wear turquoise.

4. Whales are not to be trusted.

5. Never write about quantum mechanics.