Hapvagget is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, stupid pigeon.

Hapvagget created life four billion years ago.

If you believe in Hapvagget, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Hapvagget, he will ignore you and hope you go away.

Hapvagget's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Hapvagget's Holy Commandments

1. Do not keep seven goats in a large pit.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of iron.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Never paint your legs indigo.