Kemwadvab is a god.

She takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, all-knowing snail.

Kemwadvab created humankind six billion years ago.

If you believe in Kemwadvab, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Kemwadvab, she will turn you into a small brown duck.

Kemwadvab's most sacred site is Hobeck in Germany.

Kemwadvab's Holy Commandments

1. Do not keep four goats in a large pit.

2. Never talk about quantum field theory near whales while wearing red jumpers.

3. Always make sure there are no bats in a building before entering it.

4. Never talk about stars.

5. Pray towards the east.