Tigvonlak is a god.

She takes the form of a plump, sage seal.

Tigvonlak created the planet Mars six billion years ago.

If you believe in Tigvonlak, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Tigvonlak, she will jump up and down fuming with anger.

Tigvonlak's most sacred site is Uruachi in Mexico.

Tigvonlak's Holy Commandments

1. Always make a point of helping unfortunate porpoises.

2. Do not keep six voles in a large pit.

3. Never think about dark energy near nematodes while wearing white dresses and balancing five tin spheres on your feet.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Do not make images of living things.