Jabjenpitquim is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, vain cow.

Jabjenpitquim created parasitic wasps six million years ago.

If you believe in Jabjenpitquim, she will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Jabjenpitquim, she will turn you into a worm.

Jabjenpitquim's most sacred site is Ringsted in Denmark.

Jabjenpitquim's Holy Commandments

1. Capybaras are not to be trusted.

2. Do not speak about turnips.

3. Respect your elders.

4. Never talk about fire.

5. Never write about evolution by means of natural selection.