Kimyatwap is a god.

She takes the form of a minute, grumpy donkey.

Kimyatwap created everything that exists nine million years ago.

If you believe in Kimyatwap, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Kimyatwap, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Kimyatwap's most sacred site is Paavola in Finland.

Kimyatwap's Holy Commandments

1. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

2. Never talk about ultrasonics near manatees while wearing yellow coats.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Never eat turnips.

5. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.