Lapruttun is a god.

It takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, stupid jaguar.

Lapruttun created the Black Eye Galaxy four million years ago.

If you believe in Lapruttun, it will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Lapruttun, it will send four elephants to rub you out.

Lapruttun's most sacred site is Vambupet in India.

Lapruttun's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Never feed wheat to whales while wearing hats.

3. Always make sure there are no turtles in a room before entering it.

4. Never feed onions to porpoises while wearing cyan scarves.

5. Erect a giant titanium sculpture of Lapruttun in the centre of the settlement.