Futzakquimyarp is a god.

She takes the form of a very large, unthoughtful lobster.

Futzakquimyarp created an electron eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Futzakquimyarp, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Futzakquimyarp, she will turn you into a mole.

Futzakquimyarp's most sacred site is Aguaruto in Mexico.

Futzakquimyarp's Holy Commandments

1. Fast once a month.

2. Futzakquimyarp loves otters, so they must be honoured.

3. Never talk about spacetime near snails while wearing magenta kilts and balancing four iron spheres on your hands.

4. Never feed apples to doves while wearing hats.

5. Never talk about shrews.