Futcunhiv Xemnulfat is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, ill-tempered raccoon.

Futcunhiv Xemnulfat created the solar system four years ago.

If you believe in Futcunhiv Xemnulfat, she will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Futcunhiv Xemnulfat, she will throw large rocks at you.

Futcunhiv Xemnulfat's most sacred site is Khwee in Botswana.

Futcunhiv Xemnulfat's Holy Commandments

1. Always stare at clouds.

2. Do not cook food in pots.

3. Hide if seven turtles approach from the south.

4. Learn five new languages a year.

5. Never talk about quantum field theory near shrews while wearing brown boots.