Dotkadvan is a god.

He takes the form of a corpulent, cheerful clam.

Dotkadvan created carbon three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Dotkadvan, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Dotkadvan, he will turn you into a plant.

Dotkadvan's most sacred site is Aimala in Finland.

Dotkadvan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not cook food in pots.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Put Dotkadvan first in all things.

4. Never talk about ultrasonics near gulls while wearing mauve shoes and balancing seven tin spheres on your legs.

5. Do not take Dotkadvan's name in vain.