Tofwapbonk is a god.

He takes the form of a very fat, witless cat.

Tofwapbonk created the planet Saturn three billion years ago.

If you believe in Tofwapbonk, he will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Tofwapbonk, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Tofwapbonk's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Tofwapbonk's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray immersed in water.

2. Always help sick whales.

3. Run away if four bats approach from the west.

4. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

5. Run away from purple badgers, for they are unholy.