Vantikvonk is a god.

She takes the form of a galaxy-sized, pitiless guinea pig.

Vantikvonk created bats seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Vantikvonk, she will give you the power of flight.

If you do not believe in Vantikvonk, she will destroy your favourite dwarf planet.

Vantikvonk's most sacred site is Penpont in Scotland.

Vantikvonk's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about squirrels.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Do not trade with those who eat aubergines.

4. Never think about chlorophyll.

5. Do not kill nematodes.