Quartfitvad is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, narcissistic parrot.

Quartfitvad created the Small Magellanic Cloud five million years ago.

If you believe in Quartfitvad, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Quartfitvad, she will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Quartfitvad's most sacred site is Cobbelsdorf in Germany.

Quartfitvad's Holy Commandments

1. Draw representations of moons on the walls of your dwelling place.

2. Learn three new languages a year.

3. Never write about eukaryotes.

4. Never eat gooseberries.

5. Do not trade with those who eat cucumbers.