Flanfasontzen is a god.

She takes the form of a chunky, astonishing porpoise.

Flanfasontzen created carbon two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Flanfasontzen, she will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Flanfasontzen, she will send four elephants to rub you out.

Flanfasontzen's most sacred site is Valdena in Italy.

Flanfasontzen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not take Flanfasontzen's name in vain.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Never eat green fruit.

4. Do not make images of living things.

5. Always wear black.